Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.