Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
What personal space?
My dog
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.