Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
You Might Also Like
this FaceApp is creepy af
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts