My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
not seeing the problem
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Something Saturday.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”