Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.