“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Ironic
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.