Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
sigh
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth