A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I need to get some bricks…
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close