Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.