It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
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“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right