I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕