[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me