Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*me flirting
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Not today. 😅
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…