The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The only good comments section online is on recipes
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you