It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
whatcha thinkin bout
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love