Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You Might Also Like
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private