people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Simple
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Previously On Persistence 😎
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”