Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed