*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
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Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail