Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
BRO LMFAO
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.