Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Oops
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
This sounds bad:
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed