Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”