Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
my dad has had enough
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.