Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Damn what did I do next
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too