Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”