I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.