I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)