It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Thanks to a fan for this one.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.