Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
You Might Also Like
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Personal question. #JustSaying