It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄