I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Autocorrect completely socks
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT