this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”