Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.