I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.