Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.