[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
just pretend nothing happened
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Natty or not?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign