Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.