Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
i baked you a cake
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb