I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
You Might Also Like
This line from Airplane.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.