Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Awwwww shit.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26