Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?