Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Attacked by a mop.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Don’t tell me what to do
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
marvel comics have peaked
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am