“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Social distancing in Australia:
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.