When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
get you a girl who
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
why would tinder want me to say this
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.