I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 馃槨
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He鈥檚 done it again!!!!!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it鈥檚 much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: i鈥檓 going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
professor x: what鈥檚 your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what鈥檚 your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Your salary is just your company鈥檚 monthly subscription of you
Landlord just came in the office and inserted 拢100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but 拢100! Wooo hooo.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檇 have that same level of commitment.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what