Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful