My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.