I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.