Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Mountain Goat : )
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Love is always patient and kind.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”