People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs